Friday, October 17, 2008

End of an era

Today I picked up the ashes of my old friend Becky who died last Saturday. A year ago nearly to the day, we lost her sister, Casey. Never could there have been better friends than these two. We got them both as puppies and loved them every minute.
This spring I lost my mom, my wonderful mom. Her ashes are in a urn with my dads beside my bed.
I keep thinking in my head about how different my life was when I had all these wonderful people in my life, and my honest and true companions.
This has been a tough year in the garden, but I'm nearly afraid for it to end. I've coped to some small degree with all this by staying busy, and now things are slowing down, I wonder if I'm going to be slammed down with grief, and how, oh how you deal with that. Its' different when you are a farmer like I am.
I don't go into the office everyday. I'm not even guaranteed to see anybody until Mollie and Gary get home. Lots of time to think. Nobody to crack jokes, ask how you are doing. And while the weather is still good enough to be outside, the sun warms my spirit. But I worry about the winter and here it comes.
I have fully planted both greenhouses for cold winter production, lots of greens to sell. Lots of plans, perhaps too many for next year, including, I hope, the most amazing heirloom tomato festival that Niagara (Ontario?) has ever seen. I hope these plans can keep my interest as the snow flies.
But then it comes back to this for me. When do I stop missing my mom ? When do my eyes stay dry if someone, anyone at all, says something that hits me on an emotional level, any emotion...happy or sad. Why are my emotions so close to the surface? When do I stop hearing my beautiful collies barking, my girls?
It is in our lives, the end of an era. Our lives mirror the life in the garden...a time to be born and a time to die. I am thankful spring will come again, and accept that this dark period is a part of my life,my winter. A time to be quiet and reflect and arrive at some peace with what this year has brought me. And understand how truly lucky and blessed I have been, and am.
Farmer Linda